LIZ'S MISERABLES: ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND A LOST GENERATION

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"A favorite target for his spleen was Elizabeth Taylor..." From "The Hunchback of East Hollywood: A Biography of Charles Bukowski" by Aubrey Malone.

The barfly's barfly, writer Charles Bukowski didn't much like Elizabeth Taylor, it's true. She represented everything he hated about mega-celebrity.

But he's dead and she's not, so she has the last laugh.

Or last call.

That's if she still takes a drink.

She once boasted that she had a hollow leg that allowed her to out-elbow bend any gin monkey across the table.

And that's saying something, since she was married more than once to the actor Richard Burton, Welsh Olympic medalist in the 10,000-meter pub crawl.

So, she knows from excess, and she also knows from humanitarian outreach. Time, then, that she founded the Liz Taylor Center for Wayward, British-Born Celebrities and Hot Messes.

If there's an acronym in there, it's playing keep-away, but the potential client list is what counts.

And the line is growing longer by the day.

Take Mischa Barton, the erstwhile "O.C." phenom whose recent impersonation of a melting candle earned her this item in the L.A. Times:

"Rumors have been circulating for over a year about Mischa's reported increased drug and alcohol consumption, bad habits, heavy smoking, late nights hanging out with musicians and stumbling out of London and LA clubs."

Who knows, perhaps Barton stumbled into Amy Winehouse or Kate Moss or Lily Allen or Katie "Jordan" Price, whose lust for fame is such that she went from a B cup to a Hindenburgian F to better get herself noticed.

Then there's Peaches Geldof.

The hard-partying socialite daughter of rocker turned fishes-and-loaves philanthropist Sir Bob Geldof, Peaches nodded off during a recent interview, prompting this line from British tab the Sun:

"They say there's no rest for the wicked -- but that obviously doesn't apply to Peaches."

Yes, it's time one of the screen's most exquisite beauties stepped in to equip members of this lost generation with a map, a compass and a Swiss Army Knife each.

Elizabeth Taylor, survivalist.

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Taylor made another visit to the hospital recently, though not because of grief over the death of Michael Jackson as first reported.

Then again, in her 77 years Taylor has out-lived child stardom; four of seven husbands; five times breaking her back; skin cancer; a brain tumor; Michelin Man bloat; congestive heart failure; bad press; booze and pills; career ups-and-downs; friendship with the King of Pop; and who knows what else.

"Liz Miserables" has made good copy and SRO audiences since forever. Taylor has been at death's door, death's porch and death's foyer, but hasn't succumbed yet.

Shirley MacLaine once joked that she lost a best-actress Oscar for "The Apartment" to a tracheotomy.

The tracheotomy belonged to Liz Taylor.

Image via Wikipedia

In 1961, she developed a case of pneumonia bad enough to require a hole in her throat. There was talk she would die. She fought back to pick up an Oscar for 1960's "BUtterfield 8," beating MacLaine and others.

"Any of my three previous nominations were more deserving," she once said. "I knew it was a sympathy award, but I was still proud to get it."

And that's what Misch Barton et al. need to do -- to get it, just get it, before it's too late.

Time for a question.

Liz Taylor put on some 30 pounds and a shriek heard from here to Hollywood for a 1966film role that brought her a second Oscar.

What was that film?

You, stinking of Eau Calcutta by Liz Taylor, whattya got?

That's right, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf."

Here's more on La Liz.

1. What animated series boasted a famous voice-over by Taylor?

2. Of what frequent co-star did she say, "The most gorgeous thing in the world and easily one of the best actors."

3. In an infamous "SNL" skit, who played Elizabeth Taylor as a gluttonous has-been?

4. What much-troubled production had the tagline: "The motion picture the world has been waiting for!"

5. In what film did Taylor play Pearl Slaghoople?

6. In one of Taylor's best-known films, by what name was Margaret Pollitt better known?

7. What former co-star's death galvanized Taylor to combat AIDS?

8. What famous gossip columnist did Taylor play in the 1985 TV film, "Malice in Wonderland"?

9. This 1959 film based on a Tennessee Williams play garnered Taylor a Golden Globe win and an Oscar nomination.

10. A 1991 remake of this 1950 film found Kimberley Williams in a role once played by Taylor.

Answers tomorrow. Yesterday's answers:

1. The first black star of a dramatic television series, he won three straight Emmys in the '60s. (Bill Cosby of "I Spy")

2. What two sitcoms of the '70s each won three straight Emmys for best comedy series? ("All in the Family," "The Mary Tyler Moore Show")

3. In the late '80s, this show boasted Emmy winners for best actress in a comedy series three years running, each award going to a different woman. ("The Golden Girls")

4. "Father Knows Best" brought her three straight Emmys as lead actress in a comedy. (Jane Wyatt)

5. What ground-breaking late-night show premiered in 1975 and won an Emmy as best variety series for its very first year? ("Saturday Night Live")

6. During the '60s, he won three Emmys as best supporting actor in a comedy series, then left the series as a regular, but picked up two more Emmys in guest appearances on the show. (Don Knotts)

7. Aside from "The Defenders," what other legal drama series won three straight Emmys for best drama series? ("L.A. Law")

8. What "Masterpiece Theatre" series won three Emmys as best drama series in the '70s? ("Upstairs, Downstairs")

9. Michael Learned won Emmys for "The Waltons," then picked up another Emmy for what post-"Waltons" series? ("Nurse")

10. What comedy series of the '60s went off the air after winning the last of four straight Emmys? ("The Dick Van Dyke Show")