This post does not have swine flu. Not yet, anyway. What it does have is a farting dog named Walter, so, by all means, keep the surgical mask on. Besides, you probably look better that way. Buh-dup!
You want cute? Here's your cute: the Jonas Brothers. Unless you've been quarantined on some Molokai leper colony, you've heard of them, Nick, Kevin and Joe, three young New Jersey sibs who've set off a pandemic of wholesomeness, what with huge-selling records and concert tours and their own Disney Channel series, "Jonas," which premiered last night.
And then there's Walter, a sort of one-pooch campfire scene from "Blazing Saddles." The Jonas boys have signed to star in "Walter the Farting Dog," inspired by a popular children's book series about said flatulent canine. Another set of sibs, the writing-and-directing team of Peter and Bobby Farrelly, are attached.
Don't expect any spermicidal hair gel, though. The Farrellys may have given the world "There's Something About Mary" and other bad-taste cinema, but the Jonas Brothers -- and that includes a fourth brother now, Frankie -- wear purity rings and appeal to a tween audience. No sex, please, we're skittish.
This is not an attempt to make fun of the JoBros, unlike the trash-mouth English comic Russell Brand, who said he'd be more impressed with the purity rings if the brothers wore them on their genitals. And the purity rings came up again in a recent episode of "South Park."
Anyway, the brothers are harmless and seem like good kids all around, so why mock? One wonders, however, what wonders would transpire if the Jonases were kidnapped by John Waters.
Image by EIFF via Flickr
The "Hairspray" franchise put writer-director-deviant Waters into the mainstream and made him a rich man, but those who have followed his career know that there was a time when he made the Farrellys look like First Communion initiates. Waters didn't get the nickname "Prince of Puke" for nothing.
If he were to direct "Walter the Farting Dog," you might be able to actually smell the love. You can go on eBay right now and buy yourself an Odorama scratch-and-sniff card, a novelty used for Waters' 1981 film "Polyester."
At selected points in the film, you were directed to scratch a certain number on the card and you'd get a whiff of what was taking place on screen. Some of the whiffs were pleasant, some were, well, you wouldn't want to be have been eating popcorn at the time.
Waters had taken his inspiration from Smell-O-Vision, a process used for the 1960 film "Scent of Mystery." Smell-O-Vision employed about 30 aromas, but the thing didn't function too well and never caught on. It's interesting to note, however, that "Scent of Mystery" film-goers were treated first to an animated short, "Old Whiff," with Bert Lahr voicing a bloodhound that had lost its ability to smell.
Anyway, the film version of "Walter the Farting Dog" is slated for release next year, by which time the JoBros could be old hat, not because they deserve to be, but because pop culture is a fickle mistress. Or puppy love.
Let's end with a quiz on celebrity brothers. Get everything right and you could win a free trip to the The Osmond Brothers' Purity Ring Theater in Branson, Mo.
1. Name the members of the original Jackson Five.
2. Barbara Marx, Frank Sinatra's widow, had earlier been the wife of what Marx Brother?
3. Who is the famous brother of James "Gunsmoke" Arness?
4. On four episodes of "The Dick Van Dyke Show," Jerry Van Dyke played Stacey Petrie, the banjo-strumming brother of Dick's Rob Petrie. What condition did Stacey suffer from (aside from the banjo)?
5. Who are Jack and Frank Baker?
6. What 1980 western featured the Carradine, Quaid, Keach and Guest brothers?
7. Which of the Hudson Brothers is the father of Kate Hudson?
8. What group fronted by twins Walter and Wallace Scott had a 1987 No. 1 on the R&B charts with "Rock Steady"?
9. Who was Jesse Garon Presley?
10. Which of the siblings on "My Three Sons" are real-life brothers?
Answers tomorrow. Yesterday's answers.
1. What two-time Oscar winner appeared in drag at the end of "The Birdcage"? (Gene Hackman)
2. What now-famous "Soap" actor played one of the first openly gay characters on TV? (Billy Crystal)
3. What openly gay entertainment mogul was the inspiration for Joni Mitchell's "Free Man in Paris"? (David Geffen)
4. Who originated this line: "Is this the party to whom I am speaking?" (Lily Tomlin, as telephone operator Ernestine)
5. When asked on "Hollywood Squares" why Hell's Angels wear leather, who responded, "Because chiffon wrinkles too easily"? (Paul Lynde)
6. Before Sean Penn, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Tom Hanks, who was the first to win the best-actor Oscar for a film in which he played a gay man? (William Hurt, for "Kiss of the Spider Woman)
7. This famous British playwright, actor, composer and wit once told Peter O'Toole, "If you'd been any prettier, it would have been 'Florence of Arabia.'" (Noel Coward)
8. With what actress did Roseanne lock lips on a 1994 episode of "Roseanne"? (Mariel Hemingway)
9. Names the films in which these actresses played lesbians: Jada Pinkett Smith ("The Women"); Cher ("Silkwood"); Meryl Streep ("Manhattan," "The Hours"); Queen Latifah ("Set It Off"); Shirley MacLaine ("The Children's Hour").
10. What gay-themed 1993 HBO featured appearances by Richard Gere and Steve Martin? ("And the Band Played On")
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